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How to stop stalking your ex on whatsapp


How To Stop Stalking Your Ex (& Everyone Related To Him)

I’ve been avoiding having to write about how to stop stalking your ex, but I’ve gotten so many requests to write about it, I had to. So here I am, finally doing it.

Why didn’t I want to write about how to stop stalking your ex?

Because my answer to the “how to stop stalking your ex” question is not obvious or common. In fact, it’s the opposite of everything that’s out there.

If you Google “how to stop stalking your ex,” here are a few things that immediately come up…

  • Delete/unfriend/block him.
  • Ask your friends for some tough love.
  • Implement a “stalk jar.”
  • Stay busy.
  • Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity.
  • Find a habit to replace the stalking.
  • Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game!

Let’s go through this one-by-one.

Delete, unfriend, or block him? Good advice but needs to be more specific considering that this is nearly impossible post-breakup.

Ask your friends for some tough love? Your friends are in your life to be your FRIENDS; your partners in crime. They’re not there to be your mommy, daddy, or the moral police when you’ve broken some breakup “law.” Friends are supposed to be protective – not parental. This sets the friendship up for resentment, deceit down the line, and just isn’t worth it right now. You are too triggered and emotionally fragile post-breakup.

Implement a “stalk jar.” I’m not sure a stalk jar is, but I’m assuming it’s the same thing as a swear jar? My advice: Please don’t. You may feel emotionally helpless, but you’re not a baby. You don’t need to reduce yourself to psychological infancy so that you can translate to yourself and the universe that you need to be treated as such.

Stay busy? IMPOSSIBLE. I don’t care if you’ve got the busiest schedule known to man. If your brain is set to “must stalk ex” mode, trust me when I say that you’ll find the time to cyberstalk. You could have every minute in your day accounted for, but as long as your not emotionally busy, there’s no point in trying to get physically busier. You’ll just end up feeling worse.

Instead of stalking your ex, stalk a celebrity? .. Why? So you can feel even more unattractive, unworthy, out of shape, and depressed? I’ll pass.

Find a habit to replace the stalking? I would advise against this because when you’re in a compromised emotional state, you’re most likely not going to find a constructive habit to replace a destructive one (stalking).

Get out there and start dating! Get back in the game! No. That’s the last thing you need right now. And even if you want to get back out there, until you heal and deal, you’re only going to meet rebound highlighters (people that highlight the absence of your ex), not erasers.

Whether you’ve just broken up or it’s been a while, stalking an ex on social media or in-person has devastating effects. You may want to stop, but no matter what ultimatums you give yourself… there you are once again, countless times a day stalking your ex, his friends, his family, his new girlfriend, her dog (+ every girl he follows).

It’s a full-time job in and of itself.

As time passes, you see your ex and all of these people that you don’t even know, moving on with their lives while you are on your last emotional leg, zooming in on screenshots and feeling more used, forgotten, rejected, pathetic, and abandoned than ever before.

You know it’s time for a social media intervention, but you don’t know where to begin. You don’t know how to stop stalking your ex. You’re not only obsessing over his social media (and everyone he follows), but you’ve also become hyper-OCD-paranoid about yours. You second guess everything you post and are in an emotional quicksand nightmare.

Here’s how to stop stalking your ex, put an end to the control it has over you and start living your life now…

Before we even get into how to stop stalking your ex, it’s important to know WHY you’re doing it in the first place.

When you realize the exact reason why you’re engaging in a habit, that realization immediately deactivates the influence that the habit has over you.

Even today, I’ll sometimes find myself bored and looking through photos of families that I don’t even know and exes that I truly am indifferent to. The difference between that and how I used to be, is that I’ll do it maybe once or twice a year and within a few minutes, I’m logged off and plugged back into my own life.

The desire to keep tabs is a normal human reaction (especially if you have low self-esteem), and it’s okay.

How to stop stalking your ex? Know why you’re doing it in the first place.

Here are the only 3 reasons why you social media stalk your ex:

  1. Because you can. Since no one really knows if/when you’re cyber creeping, the freedom that you feel to do so is maximized while consequences are minimized (who’s ever going to find out?). Jackpot.
  2. You’re Emotionally Cutting. You were so hurt, mind f*cked, and betrayed in the relationship, you’re more comfortable being in a state of pain than you are making the scary effort to move forward (and potentially fail/get rejected again). The only difference is that with cyberstalking, you can essentially control the pain that’s inflicted upon you (because you’re inflicting it). Yes, your pain is dependent upon what your ex likes and posts, BUT you get to control the exposure. It’s all about inflicting, controlling and re-inflicting pain. This dynamic is not only familiar, it’s all you know. You went from the uncontrollable mind f*ckery that was having your ex inflict emotional pain upon you, to now giving yourself that very same pain. Except this time, you’re in the driver’s seat.
  3. Connection. It’s the last little connection that you have to your ex. EVERY time you log on, you’re looking for one of two things: 1) You’re looking for a sign that he’s just as lonely, miserable and depressed as you are (so that you can run with that little bit of hope and remain invested). 2) You’re looking for any information possible to affirm that he has moved on, is happy, and is in a better relationship (so that you have a license to remain stagnant, blame yourself, and make more terrible decisions through the filter of shame).
My advice on how to stop stalking your ex?
Don’t.
That’s right. You don’t have to stop.

If you’re doing anything like driving by his place, showing up at his work, calling him and hanging up, making up fake social media profiles and following him and/or his friends (been there, done ALL that)… if you’re doing anything in which you could potentially get caught or get into legal trouble… please, STOP.

You’re not that pathetic and no one is THAT irreplaceable, valuable, or special for you to jeopardize your reputation and livelihood.

If you’re checking your ex’s social media every minute and can’t stop, there’s no point in forcing yourself to quit. Seriously.

Trying to cold turkey it and placing ultimatums on yourself is only going to make you feel much worse. This is why many strict diets fail. If you feel like you are depriving yourself, the desire to satiate is going to be even stronger. And you will become even more desperate. Why is this bad? It’s bad because you’re human, which means you’ll eventually give in and when you do, it will be ten times more intense, painful, and potentially humiliating.

If you want to dedicate your life to checking up on someone else’s, have at it.

All I ask are 3 things before you do so (things that will eventually lead to answering the “how to stop stalking your ex,” question):

  1. Dead & Gone.

    When you’re looking at photos of your ex, realize that it’s okay to feel sad and cry as long as you’re mourning the death of a person that you know, does not exist. I’m not asking you to believe that the sun sets in the morning, I’m asking you to stop arguing with reality and accept that the person you thought existed is dead and gone. Look at your ex’s photos and understand that this is SOCIAL MEDIA. It’s a highlight reel. And not everything that glitters is gold.

    No one (including you), is going to post themselves swimming in the ocean of misery. If your ex posts photos about how happy he is or posts one big “look at me” post after the next, that just means he’s fishing. The more he uses an abundance of exclamation marks or posts admirable/inspirational quotes, the more he’s looking for a reaction from not just you, but from everyone. This means that he’s JUST as validation hungry as you because remember – we attract what we exude. Look at those photos and mourn. It’s okay to cry. Mourn the death of the person that you thought you knew. If he’s already posting thirsty photos, in a new relationship, etc., you can bet that he has not changed. The only person who has truly changed is YOU. You’re no longer willing to have an emotional jerk off session with your own projections. Don’t provide ANY kind of reaction or opposing force here. Stay on your white horse. You can’t claim to want to be “the one that got away,” while simultaneously, sabotaging that campaign by allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. It’s OKAY social media stalk as long as you’re viewing them through the filter of reality. You WILL eventually get tired of it.

  2. Wet Bathing Suits are GROSS.

    If you’re driving yourself up a wall, stalking the every social media move of his new girl, I want you to think about this: Imagine you got a new bathing suit and you put it on. You never quite felt comfortable or totally beautiful in it and it wasn’t constructed that well, but it grew on you and you loved it. You wore it proudly the entire day – in the ocean, playing beach volleyball, in the pool, on the sand, on a boat, back in the pool, when you peed in the ocean, etc. You finally get home, still wearing it and the bathing suit is dirty and still damp. It’s got ocean water, chlorine, sweat, and SPF all mixed in. You feel gross from being in it all day. So, you immediately take it off, hang it up on your shower rod and take a long shower to clean off. WHILE you’re showering, a new girl comes into your bathroom and PUTS ON (so gross), the wet bathing suit that you’ve been swimming in, sweating in, peeing in, and running around all day in. She may look way better than you did in the bathing suit; she may be able to fill it out in all the right areas and make it look sexier and more expensive and valuable than you ever did but… It’s your WET, DIRTY, and USED bathing suit that she’s wearing.

    When you social media stalk the new girl, have some empathy and be kind. Don’t hate on her. She’s wearing your wet bathing suit and has no idea just how dirty it is. She just thinks it was wet because it came fresh out of the washer. Yikes. Don’t hate on her because she doesn’t know what you already do. Feel bad that she’s wearing your old, wet bathing suit.

  3. Use the success, happiness, and resiliency that your ex
    portrays on social media, to drive you into your OWN. For REAL. The kind of success that you won’t need to announce because it will be known. LIVE those inspirational quotes instead of posting them. Leave the superficial posting to your ex.

    If you’re going to re-inflict pain, at least use the pain that you acquire to motivate you into action. Some of my greatest work has come from rolling in the proverbial mud with the pigs, choosing NOT to react for instant gratification, and making the decision to ACT on those painful observations.

    Instead of sticking your head in the toilet and then, crying because you smell, get to the point where you’re so dirty, you’re finally ready to flush the sh*t and take a shower. Stop being scared to flush and wash yourself off because you’ve convinced yourself the sh*t is the last token you have of a meal you once enjoyed.

Go MIA on social media for a while. It’s okay, I promise, the sky won’t fall. USE the dysfunction that you see on social media to motivate you out of your own. Feel free to unfollow whoever you don’t want to follow because it’s YOUR profile. If anyone wants to take your unfollowing personally, so be it. You’re no longer playing that game!

Since when did recognizing yourself, your needs, and your pain in a healthy manner become a shameful thing?

Figuring out how to stop stalking your ex is something that doesn’t really need to be “figured out.” Every time you stalk, you’re taking a huge deposit out of an already negative self-esteem bank account, but guess what?… YOU are doing it this time, not your ex.

You have the power to stop just as easily as you have the power to magically make time in your busy schedule to snoop. You’re clearly getting something out of the stalking or you wouldn’t be doing it.

Why not work toward getting a life? A life beyond your wildest dreams (due to the motivation that the stalking provided for you to finally get off your emotional a*s).

This is your opportunity to reclaim your power. You got this.

x Natasha

+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.

8 Actions That Say You Tend To Stalk An Ex

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As ex-lovers, we have an innate need to feel vindicated by finding out that our ex is miserable without us. In this pursuit, we make use of all resources, including technology, to stalk an ex. As much as you want to get over him/her, the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ technique does not always work.

Even though you may have no intention of getting back together with your ex, a part of you finds it hard to let go. When you’re stuck in the ‘can’t have them, can’t forget them’ loop, keeping tabs on their lives seems like the next best thing to do. Are they seeing someone? Have they moved on? Do they miss you? These questions keep whirling in your head.

So, if you have been wondering ‘why do I stalk my ex’, especially if it’s an ex you want nothing to do with again, the answer is curiosity. That said, it isn’t a healthy tendency. Let’s pay close attention to what constitutes stalking before we tell you how to stop stalking your ex.

What Is Stalking?

Table of Contents

So, what exactly qualifies as stalking? We tend to make a lot of jokes about how we stalked our crush or our friend’s new boo on Facebook and Instagram. But the actual act of stalking is not a joke. The signs of a stalker usually involve them surveilling someone in a hidden manner to collect information about their private and personal life and affairs that they may not be willing to share with anyone, including the person doing the surveilling.

Legally speaking, stalking is a crime – and the sheer amount of unwanted attention that the stalking victim receives, no matter how “harmless” your intentions – can leave the person at the receiving end with mental and even physical scars. If someone realizes that they are or were being stalked, they will start facing difficulty handling daily affairs since they will feel watched, even when they are not.

This can cause severe anxiety, stress, depression, and executive dysfunction to the victim. Sure, not all stalkers are the same, but, the fact remains that such attention is unwanted and unwelcome and will always end up causing the victim distress, even if the victim in this case is your ex.

That being said, know that it is normal to want to know what your ex-lover is doing, who they are meeting, and whether they are in a new relationship or not. Our broken hearts and previous romantic attachment toward them may make it hard to let go. These are not really the signs of a stalker but of a broken heart.

So, checking their social media accounts sometimes, but not obsessively, is understandable. But, if you are reading this article, chances are you know you have failed to strike that balance and are constantly trying to track their movements. If this is true, it may be time for some self-introspection and friends and family intervention. But how can you be sure if you are stalking them? For this, first, you need to know the various and common forms of stalking out there.

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Related reading: 90% Of Young People Today Are Involved With Their Exes

Common Types Of Stalking

There are a few different types, levels, and signs of a stalker. If you are here reading this article because you are afraid that you are stalking your ex, chances are that you have not veered toward truly and legally criminal levels of stalking territory yet. But while not all levels and types of stalking are the same, it is still important to remember that they all tend to not only totally disrespect a person’s basic human right to privacy but can also lead to some serious repercussions for both you and the victim. So, without further ado, here is a list of a few different types of stalking out there:

1. Online stalking

Online stalking is the most common type of stalking and it usually can be restricted to a harmless level. But if you find yourself tracking down their entire activity list, where they have been, who they are hanging with, then checking the various social media of the person they were with to see where they have been tagged, and so on, you have definitely and officially crossed over from checking your ex’s Instagram as a guilty and masochistic kind of “pleasure” to officially stalking them.

2. Physically following

This is one of the more common signs you are a stalker. It is also a more threatening one. Following someone to different places is not okay, even if they are okay and even if you just wanted to see what they were doing and did not want to cause any harm. Also, this is officially illegal grounds and you could be legally charged for it.

3. Lying in wait

Apart from following another person’s movements and monitoring where they go, some signs of stalking personality include ones that involve waiting around in front of their victim’s home, office, favorite café, or anywhere they know the victim is going to be at that moment of time.

These signs of stalking are seen in those who are well-acquainted with the victims or have been stalking them for a while. Jealous ex-partners often tend to do this when they realize that their ex has been seeing someone new or in order to push them to take them back. If you have been doing these things, know that it’s one of the biggest signs you are a stalker.

4. Monitoring through others

Some ex-partners go beyond the usual methods, showing signs of stalking behavior that are harder to keep track of. They may start befriending your friends, suddenly start hanging out with mutual acquaintances, and turn up in clubs and bars your family frequents. It is one of the more classic signs of stalking.

This way, they can indirectly ask people about you to keep a tab on you, your activities, and your relationship status. Such behavior is not just obsessive but also slightly terrifying because it takes a lot of time, effort, and planning on the stalker’s part to implement such actions.

5. Threat, assault, damage

A lot of times stalkers finally break and cannot deal with just watching and monitoring anymore and tend to take more serious action. They may stop showing signs of stalking behavior entirely and refuse to stay hidden. They instead end up attacking the person they had been watching for a while, threatening the victim, breaking into their homes, and causing damage to their property in order to get their attention.

6. Camera or audio surveillance

This kind of stalking is usually trickier to do since not everyone has access to the cameras and audio devices to watch and record other people’s activities. This makes it one of the more serious kinds of stalking and an aggressive breach of the person’s right to privacy.

If you have been tracking your ex-boyfriend’s phone or have a hidden camera set up somewhere in his home, know that this is not okay and there can be some serious repercussions in such cases, from hefty fines, restraining orders to even jail time.

So, just in case you are starting to think that your obsession with your ex goes beyond the usual missing and checking social media and is bordering on stalking territory, it is time to confirm your suspicions. Pay attention to these 8 actions that indicate a tendency to stalk an ex, and if you can identify with them, you, my friend, are guilty.

Signs You Might Be Stalking Your Ex

You may have sworn to follow the no-contact rule to get over your ex, but despite this strong resolve, there are bound to be moments when you miss having them around. Or they may have been long gone from your life, but you still tend to think of them now and again.

In such moments, it is natural to be overcome with a desire to get a sneak peek into your ex’s life. Thanks to technology, doing that is easier than ever before. It takes one search to get all the dope you need on the goings-on in their life.

1. Checking their social media

Stalking your ex on social media is one of the simplest ways to keep track of their life. But one that you must be most wary of, as it can become addictive. After I broke up, I was checking my ex’s updates throughout the day. It had become an obsession for me.

I was checking his Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc. every now and then. As much as I wanted to forget about him, social media channels did not help me much to accomplish this. Finally, one fine day, I asked my friend to change the passwords of my Facebook and Twitter accounts and asked her not to share them with me.

It has been more than 6 years now that I am not on Facebook anymore. As for Twitter, I had to resume for work-related tasks but have managed to steer clear of my ex’s handle. Social media sites can become your foes when you want to get your mind off your ex.

2. The block-unblock WhatsApp routine

This is one of the classic signs of a stalker who keeps tabs on their ex on social media. Block them and then unblock them to see the last time they were seen online and check out their status updates. Obviously, this does not help much in forgetting your ex. After having quit social media for the longest period of time, I always kept stalking him through WhatsApp.

Checking his profile picture and sometimes even messaging him and then deleting it, made it even worse. It reached an extent where I finally deleted his number from my phonebook. Luckily enough, I did not know it by heart. So there was no going down that road again.

Related reading: Don’t Text Your Ex – Messaging Is The Easiest Trap To Fall Into!

3.

Asking mutual friends for updates

Mutual friends are a time-tested way to stalk an ex. If you have common friends, then you are surely going to get invited to social gatherings where even he/she is present. While we have the choice to not show up, our inner voices shout out to us to go. It’s a chance to find out how they are doing after the breakup, how they look, and if they’re dating someone new.

Besides, you can always fish for details about your ex’s life in conversations with your friends. Even when you know it makes them uncomfortable, it is so hard to resist a subtle mention here, a vague question there. Amirite?

4. Keep in touch with their folks

My best friend, Abhijeet, with whom I studied in London, was dating a Bulgarian girl. After graduation, she even came to India and stayed with his family for a brief period of 3 months. While the family was aware of their relationship, they were contemplating whether to continue or not. She decided that she was not going to invest more time into a relationship that did not have a future.

However, she kept in touch with his parents and would regularly Skype them. Abhijeet was not very comfortable with this, because his parents were forcing him to make a decision quickly about getting married to her. She was showing all the signs of a stalking personality. She was stalking him in the most innovative yet creepy way possible.

5. Setting your routine to match theirs

If you live in the same city, setting your routine to match theirs is one of the most predictable ways of stalking your ex in person. Let’s say, you know they go to buy groceries at a particular store every Sunday morning, so you end up there too around the same time when your ex is likely to be around.

Accidental run-ins are the oldest trick in the stalking playbook

And when they spot you, you feign total surprise and try to make small talk to get a sense of how they’re doing. Take the example of Preeti, who is a runner. She used to run on the hillocks (called “tekadi” in Marathi) of Pune, in the evening, where often her ex would be seen. She started going to the tekadi at times when he would go for his jog. Often she would find him there, but she would pretend that she had not seen him and continue running with her earphones plugged in.

6. Follow them around to a new city

This is creep level 100 when it comes to stalking your ex in person. If you’re ready to uproot your life and follow a person with whom you have no future prospects, it points to an unhealthy obsession. Mark was dating a girl for six months and then they decided to split. The girl moved to a new city.

A few months later, Mark resigned from his job in order to relocate to the same city. When I asked him about his decision to relocate he said that he wanted to be sure that there couldn’t be a future with her even after breaking up, by finding out if she was happy or miserable without him. As if stalking your ex on social media was not enough, he decided to uproot his reasonably comfortable life only to start everything from scratch in a new city.

7. Mystery calling

In the age of smartphones and caller ID apps with a database running into millions, this may be a little hard to pull off. Besides, this way to stalk an ex is pathetic and creepy all at the same time. But, as they say, where there is a will, there is a way.

For instance, Sally and Will broke up after a long relationship of two years. Sally could not resist hearing her ex’s voice and would have her friends give him calls and put the phone on speaker. She would often make judgments from the tone of his voice if he was happy, sad, or indifferent.

8. Creating a fake profile online

This is the pinnacle of stalking your ex on social media but people are willing to go to such lengths just to keep tabs on their former lover’s life. I have seen people create fake profiles on Facebook and add their exes as friends to keep track of their life’s happenings. Often you’ll see people create profiles of the opposite gender to divert suspicion.

Related Reading: 11 Practical Tips To Get Over Someone Fast

How To Stop Stalking Your Ex

To detach yourself from an old lover is not easy any longer. If you’re not over them, you will find ways to get back into their lives somehow, and stalking helps you understand where the most opportune opening may lie. Even if you’re over them, it gives a sense of pleasure in a very sadist way to know if they have not moved on yet.

While stalking an ex may be commonplace, especially in today’s technology-driven world, it is certainly not healthy. So, if you grapple with questions like ‘why do I still stalk my ex?’ or ‘why can’t I stop myself from stalking an ex?’ we’re here to help. Here are some fool-proof tips on how to stop stalking your ex that will put an end to this loop you’re caught in:

1. Go on a deleting rampage

To stop the tendency to stalk an ex, you have to erase their presence from your life. Delete their phone number, email, unfollow, unfriend, and block them on social media. And also delete all your pictures, if any, from your own social media handles. Those ‘memories’ updates can hurt like hell and make you spiral down the stalking hole all over again.

2. Seek tough love

Instead of feeling miserable thinking ‘why do I still stalk my ex?’, lean on a trusted friend for help. Ask them to dole out some tough love whenever you’re falling back to your old patterns. You can even ask them to take over your social media and share only the relevant stuff with you until you can let go of the urge to keep tabs on an ex’s life.

Related Reading: 10 Signs He Is Still In Love With His Ex

3. Set up a stalk jar

If you live with a friend or a roommate, ask them to set up a stalk jar for you where you put a $10 bill every time you stalk your ex. If you live alone, you can do this by yourself. But remember to be honest. Once you feel the pinch in your pocket, stalking may not seem so appealing after all.

4. Keep yourself busy

We tend to stalk an ex because losing a relationship means losing an important part of your life all of a sudden. To fill that void, keep yourself busy. Throw yourself into work, follow a new hobby, reconnect with friends – do whatever it takes to keep your mind off that person you’ve just had to let go of.

5. Get back on the dating scene

While you shouldn’t rush into dating after a breakup, it doesn’t make sense to live in the past too. Once you’ve taken the time to grieve your relationship and process all the hurt and angst, put yourself out there. The prospect of finding someone new will take your mind off your ex.

Stalking an ex is a lot like picking the scab off a wound. It just delays the natural order of healing and moving on. If you identify with the signs of stalking in your behavior toward your ex, start taking corrective measures before you spiral down the rabbit hole of obsession.

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FAQs

1. Is it good to stalk your ex?

No, it is not healthy to stalk your ex. Even if you do miss your ex because you were with them for a long time, stalking is never a good or healthy option. It can not only get you in serious legal trouble but also keep you from truly moving on.

2. Why should you never stalk your ex?

Stalking your ex, especially if you do it excessively, keeps you trapped in the past. Besides, you may come across as needy and desperate.

3. How do I stop stalking my ex?

You can start by erasing their presence from your life, leaning on a friend for support, keeping yourself busy, and ultimately, getting back on the dating scene.

4. Why shouldn’t you look at your ex’s social media?

Looking at your ex’s social media can bring back the feelings of hurt and anger, and undo any progress you’ve made in moving on

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Why we follow our exes on social media and how to stop doing it

September 28, 2021

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You can listen to this article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

The relationship ended. It would seem that you need to grieve and move on. But not a day goes by that you don't go to your ex's social media page, trying to figure out who they hang out with and who likes them. It does not bring any joy - on the contrary, you plunge into longing, jealousy and anger. But still you can't stop yourself.

Why do we follow exes

We are provoked by social networks

Previously, in order to follow a person, you would have to guard him at the entrance, steal mail, maybe even break into an apartment or hire a private detective. For such behavior, at best, one could earn the glory of a mentally unhealthy person. And at worst, even a prison term, especially in those countries where stalking - that is, surveillance and persecution - is taken seriously.

Everything is much simpler now. If a person is active in social networks, he himself will tell the whole world where he was today and whom he saw.

And the stalker does not seem to be doing anything reprehensible, and he gets the feeling that he is behaving quite normally.

One survey showed Cyberstalking / Superdrug Online Doctor that 60% of people check the accounts of former partners at least once a month. Moreover, social networks themselves will kindly inform you that a person has added to his story, posted a new photo or commented on a popular post. Well, how can you not succumb to the temptation and not check?

And of course, we must not forget that social networks are literally designed to make us jealous A. Muise, E. Christofides, S. Desmarais. More information than you ever wanted: Does Facebook* bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy? / CyberPsychology & Behavior, worried and jealous. This means that they checked the feed more persistently and posted posts more often.

We want to be indispensable

Psychologists consider Why we stalk our exes on Facebook* / Mental Floss that it is a very important need to realize that we are unique and cannot be replaced. Sometimes it is because of her that we go to the pages of the former as scheduled. It's something like "Aha! He is still not dating anyone - which means that he is probably suffering without me and is worried that he missed the best thing that happened in his life!

We are pushed by fears

For example, the fear of lost profits. We imagine how wonderful things could have turned out if the separation had not happened. So she went to surf in Australia with a new guy - and in his place it could be me. Here he celebrates his birthday with friends - and it was I who had to sit next to him in a bright cap.

In this state, we can even forget that the relationship was already on its last legs, and begin to idealize the former partner.

And this makes us suffer even more. The paradox is that the fear of missing out comes from social media, but the more nervous we get, the more we go…yes, back on social media. And it turns out a vicious circle.

Surveillance becomes a habit

Repeating the same action many times (to be precise P. Lally, C. H. M. van Jaarsveld et al. How are habits formed: Modeling habit formation in the real world / European Journal of Social Psychology , from 18 to 254), it will reach automatism and a habit will form. Moreover, bad habits are formed faster, and checking the social networks of a former lover can definitely be attributed to them.

We have a trigger (pick up the phone, open the laptop), we have a sequence of actions (visited ex/ex's page, read recent posts, checked friends list) and even a reward in the form of strange and painful pleasure. That is the perfect template for habit formation.

The more often we repeat all these actions, the better they become fixed. And over time, a seemingly harmless activity can develop into a real addiction.

We do not let ourselves fall out of love

Those who compulsively check the pages of former partners are sure that they do it just out of curiosity. Or even out of dislike: “She spat in my soul, I want to make sure that everything is bad with her.”

But “One step from hate to love” is not just a saying. When we hate someone, Brain's 'Hate Circuit' Identified / ScienceDaily turns on in our brain almost the same areas that are active in the state of being in love - the basal nucleus and the insula. So, reveling in hostility and anger, we, perhaps without knowing it ourselves, only become more attached to a person.

What leads to spying on a partner

Even if we discard the radical options - you hacked into someone else's account and read the correspondence, and you were caught doing it - the persecution of the former does not end with anything good. After a breakup, it’s perfectly normal to grieve a little, but sooner or later you need to leave the completed relationship in the past and move on.

And when you check the social networks of a former lover, it is as if you are reopening a wound that has begun to heal over and over again.

And you yourself prevent yourself from forgetting this person. The study showed J. Fox, R. S. Tokunaga. Romantic partner monitoring after breakups: Attachment, dependence, distress, and post-dissolution online surveillance via social networking sites / Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, that those who often visit the pages of the former experience a breakup more painfully and cannot start longer new relationship.

How to stop harassing an ex-partner

Get rid of a bad habit

Since stalking is a kind of habit, in order to get rid of it, you can use the standard advice. Identify the trigger that makes you open your ex's Facebook* or Instagram* page, and try to attach a new, healthier and more enjoyable action to it.

For example, you get into the social network as soon as you sit down for breakfast and pick up your phone. So this is the trigger. Instead of using social networks, try reading books and articles, watching TV shows with short episodes or educational videos on YouTube, and playing games. These activities will bring you joy and, perhaps, gradually replace a bad habit.

You can also start a tracker and mark the days when you were able to do without surveillance. Checkmarks and crosses on the calendar will motivate you - you will not want to interrupt the chain of achievements, and you will try to stay away from other people's pages.

Find a replacement

After a breakup, especially if you've been together for a long time, a void naturally forms in your life. You have a lot of free time and unexpressed emotions.

It is worth directing these resources in a more constructive direction.

Find hobbies, take on side projects, get out of the house more often and make new friends - not necessarily romantic ones. So you, firstly, will not have time for stalking. And secondly, your life will definitely become more interesting and eventful.

Get rid of the irritant

If you see your ex-partner in the feed every day, it will be quite difficult not to go to his page. Remove him from the friend list, or at least hide him from the news - at least until the passions subside.

In more severe cases - when surveillance has already become a habit - you may have to blacklist the object of your unhealthy interest. Or even block its pages using special services.

And of course, as a heavy artillery, you can completely arrange a digital detox for yourself and not go to social networks at all. Until the feelings cool down and you realize that you are ready to move on.

Read also 🧐

  • How to understand that a person is holding you on an emotional leash and get away from him
  • How to survive a breakup and move on
  • Is it possible to remain friends after a breakup and is it necessary

*Activities of Meta Platforms Inc. and its social networks Facebook and Instagram are prohibited in the territory of the Russian Federation.

Scientists have found out what causes obsessive stalking in social networks

Obsessive surveillance of former partners in social networks leads to serious psychological deviations, American scientists have found out. Their Russian colleagues agree with these conclusions and believe that in our country it is almost impossible to legally protect yourself from Internet harassment and prevent violent crimes on this basis.

Obsessive pursuit of a person is called "stalking". This concept includes unwanted calls for the victim, harassment or even intimidation.

However, the popularization of social networks has greatly facilitated the task of spying on a person and his hobbies for attackers.

The concept of “Facebook stalking” has appeared, in which one person constantly watches the life of another through his page on a social network. Researchers from Ohio State University and the University of Hawaii at Manoa have become interested in a similar phenomenon, focusing on those who are engaged in online stalking against a former partner.

In the study titled "Spying on a romantic partner after a breakup", researchers looked at two psychological types of attachment in a relationship (anxious and attachment-avoidant), their susceptibility to online stalking after a breakup, and subsequent negative consequences.

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The researchers gave a brief description of the behavior of different types in relationships. Representatives of the anxious type have low self-esteem, tend to pay a lot of attention to a partner and seek close emotional contact with him. The second type is characterized by a low level of trust in others and, as a result, a reluctance to start close relationships. Also, representatives of this type are less likely to “invest” (spend a lot of time with a partner, share innermost thoughts, create deep affection) in relationships, but tend to constantly look for alternatives.

In terms of the study itself, the researchers surveyed 431 active Facebook users, aged 18 to 42, who spent about 100 minutes daily on the social network and experienced a recent relationship breakup. The questions covered various topics such as “investing in a relationship”, “looking for alternatives”, and “stress after a breakup”.

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Scientists have found that the strength and duration of frustration after a breakup directly depend on how much the partners invested in the relationship and who initiated the breakup.

In turn, the stronger the stress created by these factors, the more susceptible a person is to surveillance of a former partner in a social network.

In addition, the researchers emphasize that maintaining online friendships after a breakup only slows down the process of recovery and getting rid of unpleasant feelings.

Summarizing the observations, the scientists identified a sequence that most often leads to online surveillance. This phenomenon was most susceptible to representatives of the anxious type. They invest huge emotional resources in maintaining relationships and tend to perceive them as long and strong. Thus, in the event of a breakup, it is precisely people with an anxious type who experience the greatest frustration, this leads to further surveillance of the ex-partner, not only immediately after the breakup, but also for a long time.

At the same time, scientists note that in fact such a phenomenon is not as harmless as it might seem at first glance.

Constant stress and dissatisfaction lead to psychological disorders, which sometimes manifest themselves in the inability to start new relationships and lead to depression.

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According to family psychologist Anna Soboleva, this phenomenon is very common, and several types of “surveillance” can be conditionally distinguished.

“The first type is indifferent surveillance, when a person silently monitors all events in the life of a former partner. As a rule, the initiator tries to confirm some of his thoughts, for example, if he believes that the former partner regrets the breakup, he will look for confirmation of this in all statuses, ”the psychologist told Gazeta.Ru.

However, often a person can be mistaken, wishful thinking. For example, if a person wants to see that his former partner is happy with life and has forgotten about the past, then he will see exactly this. This state of affairs, in turn, can lead to even more stress.

The second type of surveillance can be very conditionally called “indirect participation”, when a person closely follows all the updates on the former partner’s social networks, does not personally write anything to him, but begins to actively comment on the former partner’s friends, leaving notes where the former will definitely see them.

“It turns out indirect communication. As a rule, such surveillance has some purpose: to show or prove something to the former partner and his entourage. It also has a destructive effect on the personality, since it takes a lot of strength and energy, and there is little effect and feedback, ”Soboleva believes.

Another type of surveillance is active participation, when a person writes something in response to the publications of a former partner or, reading his posts, writes something about them on his page. A person can also publish something compromising, sort things out in public and make a fuss. Such methods harm for the most part the one who watches.

It happens that it comes to hacking the accounts of a former partner. Here everything is much more complicated and serious, because we are already talking about violation of personal boundaries, invasion of privacy, and even an offense.

“Of course, this harms all participants in the process - the victim feels insecure and experiences constant anxiety, and the one who follows shows aggression, experiences a lot of negative emotions, even if the so-called revenge temporarily brings satisfaction, in general he cannot move further, constantly tense, neuroticism grows and, if you don’t stop in time, you can go into a deep neurosis, ”the expert sums up.

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But sometimes simply observing objects of affection on the Internet can have serious consequences in real life, says Mikhail Vinogradov, head of the Center for Legal and Psychological Assistance in Extreme Situations. The expert told Gazeta.Ru in detail how stalking in social networks could turn out.

— Mikhail, how widespread is stalking on the Internet today?

- This phenomenon is very common among almost all world Internet users, including in Russia. Unfortunately, the Internet has firmly entered our lives and allows you to follow anyone, express any opinions, as well as harass and insult people with impunity when communicating online. Even in the early days of the Internet, FSB spoke with psychologists, experts in the industry, trying to assess the scale of the threat.

As a result of the discussion, an unequivocal conclusion was made that the Internet is mostly used by various intruders and scammers.

- This is understandable. But how serious is the problem of monitoring people on the Internet?

- This is a problem of the psychological health of such "observers". But several questions immediately arise. The first and most basic of them is whether it is possible to stop such surveillance. And the answer is yes.

In a number of Western countries, including the USA, especially active "stalkers" are identified and subjected to administrative or even criminal liability, since people have the right to protect their private lives.

— And how are things going with this in Russia?

- Not yet, in the past this problem was not given due attention. In America, special police units have been created to prosecute "stalkers", but we do not have enough forces and means for this, although both I and my colleagues constantly advise police officers and investigators on this matter.

Nevertheless, the Ministry of Internal Affairs is already seriously concerned about this issue, and the head of the department, Vladimir Kolokoltsev, is personally interested in a dialogue with experts and the speedy creation of special units to catch intruders on the network.

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This is facilitated by the constant complaints of Internet harassment by pop stars and other famous people.

— But what psychological changes occur in people who stalker online?

— In everyday life this is imperceptible, but inside they suffer from a certain thirst for persecution and revenge against those who reject their attention.

This is especially true for women, because in this respect they are much more vindictive. And often capable of very sophisticated methods of revenge. But often they themselves become victims of the revenge of fans, hence the constant hacking of the accounts of the stars and posting their intimate photos and personal correspondence online.

— That is, such revenge is a direct consequence of stalking?

- Absolutely.

What's more, social media manic surveillance is often the first step to committing serious crimes in the real world, including rape and murder.

Aggression accumulates in a person, which over time requires not a virtual, but a real exit. So this is a very big problem, and it is practically not regulated at the legislative level.

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There have been cases in Russia when such intrusive persecution has led to a criminal case.

So, a resident of the Moscow region came to the Urals only to take revenge on the offender from the Internet.

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